The Topic of Toxic Men

With a subject like this it is no wonder why this page has been blank for a week. I am hardly a person to give advice to anyone but I must say, I am quite the scholar on this subject. There is just this one thing.. Who wants to really reflect on their past mistakes, let alone write about it for everyone to see? I normally like to do it the old fashioned way and forget about it. But after downing two glasses of wine and watching about 6 episodes of Sex and the City, I have decided that I am ready to share a bit. I am ready to talk about my experiences with toxic men and why I believe we are, or have found ourselves to be, attracted to these creatures. 

At the ripe age of 24 I have had quite the experience. The cheater, the guy who threatens to take his life if you leave, the guy who commits but doesn’t (ladies you know what I mean), the emotionally unavailable men, manipulators, etc. Put them all together and what do they have in common? Me. When dissecting relationships, it is easier to pin point where it all went wrong with the ones who did you wrong, this is true. But it is harder to dissect yourself. To look in the mirror and question your own actions, your own decisions. To notice a pattern holds a lot of pressure because now your newfound awareness is owed a solution. It is said that ignorance brings about bliss. So, instead, what most of us do is put our focus on these men who have broken our hearts. The reality is that we owe ourselves more than these men could ever owe us, we have been breaking our own hearts. Maybe we are toxic too.

The day I decided I was done I didn’t think I really pondered too much about it, I always thought of it as a strong moment for me, just acting on instinct and moving on. Yet, as I think back to that moment now, I can vividly remember the feeling I had in stomach, or even worse, in my heart. The man who broke the camels back was probably the most insignificant man of my life thus far, meaning he was no one to expect the world from. I had known that from the day I met him. But that is the thing about toxicity. You break down the more and more you are exposed to it, until one day it just takes you. I tried to make myself okay with a situation that was far less than I deserved, to say the very least. When it all blew up and I was left with the ashes, I had this disappointment in myself, a feeling I had never had before (surprisingly). I did something that was very rare for me, I allowed myself to cry. The ugly face, puffy eyed cry. It wasn’t just any cry, I was crying tears that amounted for years. I was tired of unrewarding love. I couldn’t possibly allow myself to give any more to anyone else before giving to myself. I owed myself so much lost time and I was ready for the work. So I cried, for a few hours, never wanting to feel that way again, and then decided to break those patterns. I was finished with toxic men but most importantly, I was done exposing myself to them.

So, the big question is why do we do it? Why do we fall for these men who we know are bad for us? Many people would love to insert the answer, daddy issues here. But I think we can do better than that. I believe we may have daddy issues that, yes, may put us through a phase with the bad boys. We are all a little curious about the bad boys and to be frank, the human mind is keen on wanting what we cannot have at times. Eventually, we grow up and slip out of it. The ones who fail to slip out of it, who turn it into a lifestyle, may need a deeper explanation, I’m afraid. 

I cannot pretend to know one answer that applies to all, but I have been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I’ve been wondering, how do some people find the good ones versus the bad ones? Is it just straight luck? As I start thinking of all my pursuits versus the successful pursuits of some of my friends, I realize it isn’t about luck at all. It is all about mental placement. How you place yourself in your head is how you insert yourself into the world. Women who have mastered self improvement or who have little to no self esteem issues do meet bad men too, (no one can control meeting bad versus good). But, the difference is this, they see red flags and they run. If you view yourself of worthiness, you only apply yourself to things that are worth your time. The women who see themselves in the highest regard are not wasting time with toxic men, they know what they deserve and do not think twice about it. 

Though this may seem like an obvious answer as to why women choose toxic men, I promise it can get deeper. Before mastering self work and improvement, it is safe to say that you are lost. You have this void that you are trying to fill, subconsciously. Unfortunately, you fill that void with temporary pleasures that are disguised to you as life solving answers. The truth of the matter is this, if you are choosing toxic men over and over again, you are not looking for love. You just may be looking to be wanted. People who have not began the work of loving themselves do not seek to be loved, they are seeking to be desired. We all seek to be desired, it is a natural emotional response in life, but when we are ready, we reach a certain point when we want to take it further. It is impossible for any individual to take it further or to be capable of looking for love without knowing what love is first. If love does not come from your own definition that you set for yourself, then how could any one else define it for you? That also explains why some women tend to push away those good guys that aren’t toxic but have bushy eyebrows, or who seem “too available”, or are “too nerdy”. No, you are not looking for the guys that could actually love you, you are too busy being picky, you are not ready for them yet. You are looking for the emotionally unavailable men because they already lack the thing you are not ready for. If you are not ready to love yourself then you are not ready to receive love from anyone else. These toxic guys come along and in the back of your mind you know they are no good, but you go for it anyways. You are curious, you want to see if you can change them, take on a project. But your hopefulness is a lie to yourself and you know it. You block yourselves from your potential blessings because you would rather try to fix anyone but you. If you do not believe me then ask around for yourself. Go to any female who has worked on themselves, began loving themselves, and see if they have ever resulted back with a toxic man. You won’t find one. 

We all have our share of bad men, we cannot control bad people. What we can control is how we deal with them and what we allow. Having a bad dating experience is one thing, but having a handful of toxic relationships is another. It is no longer something that just happened to you, it now becomes something you are choosing. Choose to love yourself. Choose to reflect inward and become your own project. Leave these toxic men to have to be their own projects as well, stop enabling them. Inner work is sexy and necessary. Allow yourself to have a real shot at love and let it begin with you

The Moon and I

It is 2am and I think I have lost my pride.

Somewhere between fighting for the urge to go back to sleep and inner wars keeping me awake, I have reached a state. A state unknowingly to me, unexplainable and foreign. Yet prompting enough to take me outside, at 2am, with the cicadas. 

I would hardly describe myself as a nocturnal animal, yet here I am. A prisoner of my own mind, unable to escape its demands. As I fill this page with words that feel so empty and unpromising, I begin to search for anything. I cannot help but feel an overwhelming sadness as I look above my head, and I see her. The moon sits so beautifully in the sky, yet seems so lonely. She is illuminating, essential, and selfless. But she is taken for granted and forgotten about by most, every single night. I am one of them. Embedded in my routine of slumber, every night, as I forsake her. She just waits. Waits for a time like this, willing to accept a love so past due. The more I stare at her the more I am confronted with myself. And finally, it all begins to come together. We escape the things that remind us of the troubles we are not ready to face. It is scary, to be alone. It has been a constant in my mind for awhile. I, too like the moon, can stand on my own with content, but in the end we all need love. The single idea of never finding it, haunts me.

But here, somewhere between deliriousness and inner battles, it led me to her. So here I am, stripped of pride and wars -loving and in love at now 4 in the morning. A beautiful exchange between two. Just the moon and I.

Late Night Note

Us writers, we pick and choose what we want to put out there. Our works mirror our life, our struggles, our pain, our joy, our love. With every page written there is an exposed truth, a vulnerability. It is terrifying, as an artist, really as anyone, to put yourself out there. So many times I think, “Is this too raw? What will people think? If I let people in, they might see me differently, am I ready for that?”. So, I draw back and coward down a little, only exposing what I think to be acceptable without being “emotionally slutty”. My goal for my blog in 2020 is to let go of that. To learn to be okay with being an expressionist, a bold one. I commend those who have surpassed the point of feeling embarrassed or too open, I know it isn’t easy but I also know it comes with time. Those of you who do so, the brave ones, you inspire the rest of us to be brave as well. So, this is just a note to acknowledge you and your open hearts and to tell you to continue. You shake up the world when it’s too still; too stuck in its ways. The world tells us to be cold, closed off, and un-trusting. But your warmth and openness brings something so groundbreaking to the world, truth. Thank you.

Fork in the Road Pt.2

We go through life with two eyes and two legs to get us through. Alongside those things we have our heart and our mind. Put that all together and you have the essentials to our existence. These things don’t always agree with one another. Sometimes, the direction we see with our eyes is not always the direction in which we want to take our legs. And sometimes what our minds know we need to do is not always what our hearts want. How do we decide which is more important? Do we go by what we see to be true or where our legs want us to go? Do we live by the decisions made from our mind or do we follow our heart? Life isn’t as simple as just having one answer to these questions. When it comes to your happiness, there is much to consider. I believe, if we are rational beings, we use both ends of the spectrum in our decision making. But, at a point, we lean more towards one end. We have no idea where it’ll take us, it is a gamble, but we make the move because well, we have to, and we deserve a shot at happiness. Sometimes, for our happiness we may just use our hearts. Or, sometimes we ignore our heart and use our mind for someone else’s happiness. Thats where our legs go in a different direction than our eyes saw itself going in. Life isn’t simple. Life repeatedly presents us with forks in the road, and we’ll have to pick a direction. We’ll have to use our eyes, legs, heart, and mind to decide which way to go. These things may pull us in many different directions, but the longer we take to make a decision the longer we will be so pulled apart that our pieces are scattered. In that, we lose ourselves. When there’s a fork in the road, we must go in a direction, staying still cannot be an option. May your eyes and mind work together to decipher what you see and what you know. And may your legs and heart guide you in what you love and where you want to go. I don’t have the answer to which is more important, or which will lead you to a better life, but I think the universe will stick its nose in your business and lead you one way or the other. Whatever the decision, and what we use to make it, we should be proud of ourselves. Tackle all of the forks in the road and take a chance. Our roads deserve to be clear.

A Fork in the Road

There was a fork in the road, and I had no insight on which way to go. I needed to explore my options to make sure that I would make the right choice. I could keep going straight, and continue to live in a lie. Or I could pick a new direction and go either left or right. Going left could mean possible destruction, an opening for yet another disaster. But going right, that could mean having to face everything that I wasn’t strong enough to face yet, the fact that I would be alone. The path that I was currently on was eating away at me, it killed my spirit. I had woken up one day so unhappy with how I was living that I felt sick to my stomach. I would look in the mirror and not be able to recognize the girl in the reflection. Suddenly my hair seemed dull, and my eyes too small for my face, and you could forget about my complexion, had I ever seen the light? I had lost myself, unrecognizable even to me. So, no. Going straight was not an option for me. Well, what about left? I could find a new spark to fill me, hopefully revive myself that way. But would it really help? Or is it just another opportunity, another heartbreak waiting to happen. It’s so scary, to love. You put yourself out there and just hope that the other person knows what they’re doing. But what if they don’t, where does that lead you? It leaves you on the floor, at 3 in the morning, crying your eyes out. Or wondering why they don’t love you back. Or feeling like you’re not enough. I couldn’t go through that again, I couldn’t open myself for that possibility. So I chose to go right. I chose to get to know myself. I knew it would be scary ,and trying, but the other options were impossible. I couldn’t do that to myself, I owed it to me. I said, if I could get inlined with own body and spirit, I will never allow myself to stay in a position where I’m treated less than I deserve. It won’t take me six years to wake up from a fantasy of how he could’ve been instead of what he actually was. I would know what to do, I would know when and how to listen to myself and put myself first. The right path is what I chose. I chose myself. This road was the hardest one, also the longest. But someone wise once told me the path that seemed the shortest would be a wider one, with more room for people to walk alongside you to help. But the path that would be longer, was more narrow, with only room for yourself. It is lonely, only having space for one foot at a time, but the most worth it, because if you could get through it alone, you would find your power, knowing that you were capable of traveling that distance on your own. That is so important, you know? Knowing that you can take other people’s lemons and make them into your own lemonade. Knowing that you can pick yourself up and take your own self on a journey to self-love. Securing a good head on your shoulders, so good that people will know exactly how to treat you because you would set such a high standard for even yourself. My fork in the road led me right, towards a path that finally enabled me to choose myself. It was the best direction I’ve ever went and distance worth traveling.

A Short, Short Story…

As I lay on the cold, hard floor I stare into the white ceiling and wonder.. when will I begin to feel myself again? I suppose, never. Because some things just change a person indefinitely. So I pick myself up from the cold, hard floor but It doesn’t matter because I still don’t feel any warmth. I walk to my closet and put on my lucky cardigan and bring myself downstairs to begin my weekend morning ritual. Something about the weekends always made me feel so domestic, so in an attempt to regain myself, I do what I always do and begin making a huge breakfast and cleaning what I see needs to be cleaned.

When I’m done I put on the kettle  and wait to hear that whistle. I find my favorite mug, get a tea bag, and add some honey…. the usual. Then I sit down with my tea and put on a movie I’ve seen a million times. Yeah, I think Girl on the Train should do it. But I still don’t feel like me. So I ditch the TV and go upstairs to my room and on the way I pass a mirror. I feel startled as I see this wrecked girl in the reflection, who the fuck is that? God I look horrible. As I begin to start squishing my unrecognizable face, I hear my phone buzz. It’s Ava!! Shit, should I not answer this call? I don’t really feel like speaking to anyone. I pick up the phone with the friendliest voice I can find and say “Hi”.

Our conversation was short and sweet, as usual she’s just checking up on me. I should probably open up to SOMEONE about what I’m going through, but I just can’t seem to do it. Your best friend will always say, “You know I’m here for you, you can tell me anything” but some things you can’t even tell them. Some things you can’t tell anyone. Some things are so dark and so painful and so heartbreaking that you can’t possibly find the words to explain what they are. Even if I had the words I wouldn’t dare speak them, because saying it out loud would mean that it’s true. And I’m not ready to face the truth about this, maybe I’ll never be ready.

I look around my room and think of what I could do to pass some time. Oh I know! MUSIC!! My always and forever go to. A shower to accompany the music would be perfect, so I take off my clothes and head for the shower. I put my speaker on a volume between, loud enough to hear all of Sade’s ad-libs and low enough to not piss off my neighbors. Jezebel rings through the bathroom as I feel the hot water and steam all around me. Something about the Jazz in that song just triggers the deep deep thoughts inside my head and I break down. I think I cry until I can’t even produce any more waterworks. My eyes are sore, my head throbbing, and heart just pounding. It takes me a while but I finally step out of the shower, I feel borderline numb now.

I put on a new pair of never-worn pajamas and put on some fresh sheets for my bed. Then I draw the curtains, making sure It’s as dark as possible in this room so I don’t have to be interrupted by the light outside. I make sure to put my phone on do-not-disturb for the obvious reason. When my head finally hits the pillow, my brain starts speaking to me. All kind of things are said to me; “How could you do this”, “How could you be so stupid” ,” You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life”, “You’ll never forgive yourself” and on and on and on. I scream aloud for the voices to stop, “Stop torturing me, leave me alone, fucking stop!!!!”, but they continue for what seems like forever. Finally, I get exhausted from all the back and forth and begin to doze off, wishing that I’ll never have to wake up.

…….To be Continued……

Our loves

We are always told to find a nice partner who’ll become our soulmate and settle down. Meet a nice man, get married, and have babies is the expectation, right? I’ve even read an article that stated we may encounter three different kind of loves in our lifetime. The first is our baby love. It’s the first love we encounter and everything seems like perfection because we’re naive. Our second is our toxic love. Our toxic love is the recognition to the bad side of love, a little too bad. We are involved with someone or become someone who is possessive and jealous, maybe even abusive. The third and final is our logical love, it’s effortless, mature, and just works the way it should. But what about our other loves, our other kind of soulmate?… What about our best friends?

******

This made me think of my best friend. I found my soulmate when I was 12 years old. She was the funniest person I had ever met, the one who would pay for my pizza when I didn’t have money, and the one who would cover for me whenever I needed to sneak out. We rode our bikes together, lied to our parents together, and stayed out until midnight exploring the town. I remember those long late nights as kids, we thought we were on top of the world. We’d cry about life while laying on our backs, watching the stars. We experienced every heart break together and told each other everything. We shared our first hangover and stories of losing our virginity. She’s seen me neurotic, happy, and in times of desperation. Most importantly, she’s seen my growth. Is it safe to say that our best friends can become one of our loves as well?

******

I believe, yes. But it’s a different kind of love because it’s a different type of bond. A bond between women is like no other, it’s science. We are sisters, we are biologically compatible, we feel each other’s pain. So there’s always a part of us that we will never share with a man the way we share with our best friends. A very very special part of us. That’s why most of the time you’ll hear us say, losing a friendship is a greater loss than losing a man. Now, i’m not saying that a man is not important. He may play a significant role in your growth. You may find great love in a man, you may bare your body and soul to him. He may see things in you and evoke things in you that you never knew existed. But there are things you will go through that he will simply not be able to understand or relate to, (especially if he’s the one causing the trouble). I know for me, when I am going through something so intense, I crave the arms of my partner. But it is my best friend’s voice,  my soulmate who I met when I was 12 years old, that I need to comfort me.

 

Article : https://www.readunwritten.com/2016/12/14/3-types-love-will-lifetime/

Losing Negativity

Why is it so hard for us to lose people who we know are no good for us? The people who take advantage and the people who we give a million chances to but continue to not get the point. I start to wonder… after someone disappoints us over and over again, do we still see them for who they are, or do we create this illusion of a person..who we want them to be? Every situation is different of course, but I believe we create these illusions after a while. At some point we need to acknowledge that there needs to be a real change. I’m the first to say, if it doesn’t make you happy get rid of it. But I don’t always follow my own advice now do I, lol. It’s something I need to tackle as well, learning how to implement change without feeling bad for giving up on someone. I think kind-hearted people, the overly emotional ones, the ones with the biggest hearts, tend to get hurt the most because we want to believe that everyone else is like us too. We need to hold on to that hope and faith in people to get us by. So we give out these 2nd and 3rd and 10th chances until we feel exhausted and broken down. But I don’t think it’s fair for us to do that to ourselves. Why should we break ourselves down and allow these negative people/things in our lives? If you can feel yourself relating to this then I think it’s time for all of us to reevaluate a few things. Speaking personally, I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m at fault and I have to take some kind of responsibility here. I allowed, for a very long time, to let negative people rub their energy off on me and then turn around and wonder why I’m so upset. I don’t know about you but I can always feel negative energy. You know how? Because it sparks a change in me. I get so beyond affected by anyone’s negative vibes. I learned that I need to be careful with this because it brings out the absolute worst in me. I become a person I don’t want to be, I become the same person who brought this negative energy. So how should anyone implement change when it comes to this? Well, obviously obviously obviously, GET-RID-OF-THAT-PERSON-OR-THING. That’s just common sense, right? It’s definitely harder than it sounds but we must realize that we need to begin treating ourselves as top priority. If you even have to question a friendship or relationship, you should probably run the other way. I’m just going to say it honestly. They’re not worth it. Anyone who doesn’t return to you what you give to them should be removed and marked as negative. Another thing we can do is make our decision to be about rationality and come to peace. If we approach this decision with anger and bitterness then we are letting it control us and probably won’t learn from the mistake. But, if we tackle this problem with a clarity and with rationale and understanding, then we will leave with peace. And that is the goal, right? The goal is inner peace. That is the whole point of getting rid of negativity. I’m not pushing this one on anyone else, but i’m going to begin listening to my body. I have a pretty good sense of judgement, so when I meet someone the first couple of times I pick up on whether they are my cup of tea or not. This is just a protective measure for me to take because honestly, friendships are just exhausting and I don’t necessarily feel like I need a million friends or need a particular man. This isn’t to say that I won’t allow opportunity for new people in my life, but I just feel like our body speaks to us when they are warning us of danger or bad vibes and I think it’s about time we listen. We must consider these things when we think about who we are and who we want to become. Do you want to be doubtful of the people around you, or do you want to be happy, rest-assured knowing that your space is a positive one? Let’s put ourselves first, and let go of this negativity so we can focus on being the best versions of ourselves.

A Thank You

It’s been a little over a week since I’ve posted anything so I just wanted to fill you guys in. I’m currently reading two books right now(One night, & Big little lies) and finishing up my last week of work so I’ve been a little preoccupied. But I would just love to say thank you to all of my followers! You guys are amazing. I appreciate the follows and the likes on my blog it truly means a lot to me. And may I just say that I’m loving your work as well!!! I’m working on a poem right now at the moment, I’ve had a bit of a hard and emotional week… so I definitely have some material to work with lol. Stay tuned!

Indie