The Topic of Toxic Men

With a subject like this it is no wonder why this page has been blank for a week. I am hardly a person to give advice to anyone but I must say, I am quite the scholar on this subject. There is just this one thing.. Who wants to really reflect on their past mistakes, let alone write about it for everyone to see? I normally like to do it the old fashioned way and forget about it. But after downing two glasses of wine and watching about 6 episodes of Sex and the City, I have decided that I am ready to share a bit. I am ready to talk about my experiences with toxic men and why I believe we are, or have found ourselves to be, attracted to these creatures. 

At the ripe age of 24 I have had quite the experience. The cheater, the guy who threatens to take his life if you leave, the guy who commits but doesn’t (ladies you know what I mean), the emotionally unavailable men, manipulators, etc. Put them all together and what do they have in common? Me. When dissecting relationships, it is easier to pin point where it all went wrong with the ones who did you wrong, this is true. But it is harder to dissect yourself. To look in the mirror and question your own actions, your own decisions. To notice a pattern holds a lot of pressure because now your newfound awareness is owed a solution. It is said that ignorance brings about bliss. So, instead, what most of us do is put our focus on these men who have broken our hearts. The reality is that we owe ourselves more than these men could ever owe us, we have been breaking our own hearts. Maybe we are toxic too.

The day I decided I was done I didn’t think I really pondered too much about it, I always thought of it as a strong moment for me, just acting on instinct and moving on. Yet, as I think back to that moment now, I can vividly remember the feeling I had in stomach, or even worse, in my heart. The man who broke the camels back was probably the most insignificant man of my life thus far, meaning he was no one to expect the world from. I had known that from the day I met him. But that is the thing about toxicity. You break down the more and more you are exposed to it, until one day it just takes you. I tried to make myself okay with a situation that was far less than I deserved, to say the very least. When it all blew up and I was left with the ashes, I had this disappointment in myself, a feeling I had never had before (surprisingly). I did something that was very rare for me, I allowed myself to cry. The ugly face, puffy eyed cry. It wasn’t just any cry, I was crying tears that amounted for years. I was tired of unrewarding love. I couldn’t possibly allow myself to give any more to anyone else before giving to myself. I owed myself so much lost time and I was ready for the work. So I cried, for a few hours, never wanting to feel that way again, and then decided to break those patterns. I was finished with toxic men but most importantly, I was done exposing myself to them.

So, the big question is why do we do it? Why do we fall for these men who we know are bad for us? Many people would love to insert the answer, daddy issues here. But I think we can do better than that. I believe we may have daddy issues that, yes, may put us through a phase with the bad boys. We are all a little curious about the bad boys and to be frank, the human mind is keen on wanting what we cannot have at times. Eventually, we grow up and slip out of it. The ones who fail to slip out of it, who turn it into a lifestyle, may need a deeper explanation, I’m afraid. 

I cannot pretend to know one answer that applies to all, but I have been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I’ve been wondering, how do some people find the good ones versus the bad ones? Is it just straight luck? As I start thinking of all my pursuits versus the successful pursuits of some of my friends, I realize it isn’t about luck at all. It is all about mental placement. How you place yourself in your head is how you insert yourself into the world. Women who have mastered self improvement or who have little to no self esteem issues do meet bad men too, (no one can control meeting bad versus good). But, the difference is this, they see red flags and they run. If you view yourself of worthiness, you only apply yourself to things that are worth your time. The women who see themselves in the highest regard are not wasting time with toxic men, they know what they deserve and do not think twice about it. 

Though this may seem like an obvious answer as to why women choose toxic men, I promise it can get deeper. Before mastering self work and improvement, it is safe to say that you are lost. You have this void that you are trying to fill, subconsciously. Unfortunately, you fill that void with temporary pleasures that are disguised to you as life solving answers. The truth of the matter is this, if you are choosing toxic men over and over again, you are not looking for love. You just may be looking to be wanted. People who have not began the work of loving themselves do not seek to be loved, they are seeking to be desired. We all seek to be desired, it is a natural emotional response in life, but when we are ready, we reach a certain point when we want to take it further. It is impossible for any individual to take it further or to be capable of looking for love without knowing what love is first. If love does not come from your own definition that you set for yourself, then how could any one else define it for you? That also explains why some women tend to push away those good guys that aren’t toxic but have bushy eyebrows, or who seem “too available”, or are “too nerdy”. No, you are not looking for the guys that could actually love you, you are too busy being picky, you are not ready for them yet. You are looking for the emotionally unavailable men because they already lack the thing you are not ready for. If you are not ready to love yourself then you are not ready to receive love from anyone else. These toxic guys come along and in the back of your mind you know they are no good, but you go for it anyways. You are curious, you want to see if you can change them, take on a project. But your hopefulness is a lie to yourself and you know it. You block yourselves from your potential blessings because you would rather try to fix anyone but you. If you do not believe me then ask around for yourself. Go to any female who has worked on themselves, began loving themselves, and see if they have ever resulted back with a toxic man. You won’t find one. 

We all have our share of bad men, we cannot control bad people. What we can control is how we deal with them and what we allow. Having a bad dating experience is one thing, but having a handful of toxic relationships is another. It is no longer something that just happened to you, it now becomes something you are choosing. Choose to love yourself. Choose to reflect inward and become your own project. Leave these toxic men to have to be their own projects as well, stop enabling them. Inner work is sexy and necessary. Allow yourself to have a real shot at love and let it begin with you

Wallow

There I was.

Naked, and bare thought.

In the middle of the ocean.

I had gotten far enough to not see anyone,

Or anything,

But god and his creation.

Blue.

Head and body against the waves,

I was at peace.

I was in a state of oblivion.

I rested in the water and let it take me,

As it pleased.

My ears heard nothing.

And my eyes slowly closed,

as black became a comfort.

I was where I wanted to be.

In a place where I couldn’t hear love.

I felt so at home,

That I wished for the sea to take me

Into it’s beautiful arms.

Indefinitely.

And never return me to love again.

Our loves

We are always told to find a nice partner who’ll become our soulmate and settle down. Meet a nice man, get married, and have babies is the expectation, right? I’ve even read an article that stated we may encounter three different kind of loves in our lifetime. The first is our baby love. It’s the first love we encounter and everything seems like perfection because we’re naive. Our second is our toxic love. Our toxic love is the recognition to the bad side of love, a little too bad. We are involved with someone or become someone who is possessive and jealous, maybe even abusive. The third and final is our logical love, it’s effortless, mature, and just works the way it should. But what about our other loves, our other kind of soulmate?… What about our best friends?

******

This made me think of my best friend. I found my soulmate when I was 12 years old. She was the funniest person I had ever met, the one who would pay for my pizza when I didn’t have money, and the one who would cover for me whenever I needed to sneak out. We rode our bikes together, lied to our parents together, and stayed out until midnight exploring the town. I remember those long late nights as kids, we thought we were on top of the world. We’d cry about life while laying on our backs, watching the stars. We experienced every heart break together and told each other everything. We shared our first hangover and stories of losing our virginity. She’s seen me neurotic, happy, and in times of desperation. Most importantly, she’s seen my growth. Is it safe to say that our best friends can become one of our loves as well?

******

I believe, yes. But it’s a different kind of love because it’s a different type of bond. A bond between women is like no other, it’s science. We are sisters, we are biologically compatible, we feel each other’s pain. So there’s always a part of us that we will never share with a man the way we share with our best friends. A very very special part of us. That’s why most of the time you’ll hear us say, losing a friendship is a greater loss than losing a man. Now, i’m not saying that a man is not important. He may play a significant role in your growth. You may find great love in a man, you may bare your body and soul to him. He may see things in you and evoke things in you that you never knew existed. But there are things you will go through that he will simply not be able to understand or relate to, (especially if he’s the one causing the trouble). I know for me, when I am going through something so intense, I crave the arms of my partner. But it is my best friend’s voice,  my soulmate who I met when I was 12 years old, that I need to comfort me.

 

Article : https://www.readunwritten.com/2016/12/14/3-types-love-will-lifetime/

Losing Negativity

Why is it so hard for us to lose people who we know are no good for us? The people who take advantage and the people who we give a million chances to but continue to not get the point. I start to wonder… after someone disappoints us over and over again, do we still see them for who they are, or do we create this illusion of a person..who we want them to be? Every situation is different of course, but I believe we create these illusions after a while. At some point we need to acknowledge that there needs to be a real change. I’m the first to say, if it doesn’t make you happy get rid of it. But I don’t always follow my own advice now do I, lol. It’s something I need to tackle as well, learning how to implement change without feeling bad for giving up on someone. I think kind-hearted people, the overly emotional ones, the ones with the biggest hearts, tend to get hurt the most because we want to believe that everyone else is like us too. We need to hold on to that hope and faith in people to get us by. So we give out these 2nd and 3rd and 10th chances until we feel exhausted and broken down. But I don’t think it’s fair for us to do that to ourselves. Why should we break ourselves down and allow these negative people/things in our lives? If you can feel yourself relating to this then I think it’s time for all of us to reevaluate a few things. Speaking personally, I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m at fault and I have to take some kind of responsibility here. I allowed, for a very long time, to let negative people rub their energy off on me and then turn around and wonder why I’m so upset. I don’t know about you but I can always feel negative energy. You know how? Because it sparks a change in me. I get so beyond affected by anyone’s negative vibes. I learned that I need to be careful with this because it brings out the absolute worst in me. I become a person I don’t want to be, I become the same person who brought this negative energy. So how should anyone implement change when it comes to this? Well, obviously obviously obviously, GET-RID-OF-THAT-PERSON-OR-THING. That’s just common sense, right? It’s definitely harder than it sounds but we must realize that we need to begin treating ourselves as top priority. If you even have to question a friendship or relationship, you should probably run the other way. I’m just going to say it honestly. They’re not worth it. Anyone who doesn’t return to you what you give to them should be removed and marked as negative. Another thing we can do is make our decision to be about rationality and come to peace. If we approach this decision with anger and bitterness then we are letting it control us and probably won’t learn from the mistake. But, if we tackle this problem with a clarity and with rationale and understanding, then we will leave with peace. And that is the goal, right? The goal is inner peace. That is the whole point of getting rid of negativity. I’m not pushing this one on anyone else, but i’m going to begin listening to my body. I have a pretty good sense of judgement, so when I meet someone the first couple of times I pick up on whether they are my cup of tea or not. This is just a protective measure for me to take because honestly, friendships are just exhausting and I don’t necessarily feel like I need a million friends or need a particular man. This isn’t to say that I won’t allow opportunity for new people in my life, but I just feel like our body speaks to us when they are warning us of danger or bad vibes and I think it’s about time we listen. We must consider these things when we think about who we are and who we want to become. Do you want to be doubtful of the people around you, or do you want to be happy, rest-assured knowing that your space is a positive one? Let’s put ourselves first, and let go of this negativity so we can focus on being the best versions of ourselves.

In a Man’s World

img_5387

Intro

As women, it’s easy for us to identify and understand our own issues when dealing with expectations. Now these expectations can include: career, marriage, and kids, brought to us by society, religion, or family. But rarely do we think about the expectations of the opposite sex. What’s going on in a man’s world, what is it like for them? It’s hard for us to ever really understand them because men are just complex human beings, but I think it’s time for us to try to put ourselves in their shoes. Women…I’m prepared for you to hate me.

Career Expectations

Although it is 2018 and women are rising more than ever (woohoo), the general societal role of a man is still popularly known as the provider. In the United States it’s more likely for a woman to be the head of a household but it is not a part of the majority when considering the rest of the world that hasn’t caught up with our beliefs yet. With that being said; there is a lot of pressure on a man to live up to his “role”. Men believe that there is a certain age to complete career goals and if those goals aren’t met by a certain age they feel unaccomplished and discouraged. Understand how hard and unfair that is. Let me make this clear, I’m not saying that you should be lazy and wait forever to make your dreams happen, but I’m saying that great things take time. And It is okay to make career changes at 28 and go with something that maybe doesn’t make as much money but makes you happy. Also, anyone that you’re with shouldn’t hold you back from doing what you need to do. Especially if you are in a relationship, these are the things you need to be selfish about because the same woman who is keeping you from your dreams, saying that you need to hurry up so she can get her ring, is the same woman that you could sacrifice it all for and then wake up the next morning and can leave you. Which leads me to my next point….

Marital Expectations

But besides career, an expectation I’d like to focus on is marriage. After speaking to a lot of different men, a lot of men that I know feel like they MUST get married before or around 30. *if only I could insert my favorite emoji here*. That really boggles me. The other day I had a conversation with my cousin on the fact that fewer men are getting married today and that more men are wanting to either live the bachelor lifestyle or just remain in long-term relationships. I was looked at crazy when I said I totally agree with and support that lifestyle. Let me just add in that I’ve never really believed in marriage. I’ve always thought marriage was beyond pointless and could ruin relationships. So that’s probably why I have the philosophies I have. BUT, I don’t think that anyone should get married until they are ready to because there is no age limit for that. I know men that have just married because they felt it was “time” or had pressure from their significant other because they were approaching 30 or 31 and that is the biggest mistake you could make. You should get married because you are in love and because you genuinely feel like it’s something you are ready for, not because you feel like you must. Are you really being true to yourself and the person you’re marrying if you do that? No, you are not and your intuition (see previous post) will tell you so.

Let me speak to my ladies for a second, you don’t get kudos if you’re pressuring your man for a ring because he’s turning 30. First of all, you should never pressure anyone to do anything especially propose to you. Chances are if they’re not doing it, *hint hint* they’re not ready. This is what I meant when I said it’s easy for us to acknowledge our own expectations and what we want but we don’t always put ourselves in a man’s shoes. Well, maybe we should begin to look at things from another POV. If you find yourself with a man who’s getting older but not popping the question, maybe it’s time to have a talk instead of an argument and ask them what they feel like they need. If they say they need more time and you don’t want to wait, then let them go and give them the time they need from a distance. Before pressuring someone to marry you, go find someone who can give you what you need without the pressure. Now back to the men, I’m all for living the bachelor lifestyle or being involved in a long-term relationship if marriage is never an option for you but it’s also important to let possible prospects aware of your intentions. It is never okay to string someone along knowing damn well that you can never give them the things that they desire. Let that person go to find someone who can provide them with what they need and find yourself someone who has the same agendas as you. Believe me, there are plenty of women out there that do NOT want to get married.

Conclusion

Men, I want to speak to you the same way I speak to my female friends because in the end we all want to be equal right? It’s okay to feel stuck, it’s okay to be 30 and not have your career figured out. It’s also okay to not be in a rush to make any life changing decisions like having kids and getting married. It’s actually okay if you never want to get married either. I don’t judge you, I salute you for being true to yourself and your happiness. Women have broken out of stereotypes of only being housewives and child bearers, I think it’s time to break out of your stereotype also. You don’t have to be the provider or bold and strong for a family, you don’t even have to start a family if you don’t want to. Live in your happiness, whatever that may entail.

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Intuition

DFC83B7F-F779-4916-A5CF-7DBD170D2722

 

A woman’s intuition is one of her best qualities. I always say, when you know something is up you just know. Can we always trust our gut feely intuition? The answer is YES YES YES HELL YES a million times. Let’s talk relationships. You’re dating a guy and he seems as perfect as can be but 3 months into the relationship he starts acting different. He stops taking your calls, all of a sudden doesn’t have as much time for you, and always has an excuse. You decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose maybe he’s going through something and to stick with him. But there’s that feeling, that little voice in the back of your head, telling you to maybe put your guard up. You choose to ignore it and go about your way. A month later you find out that he’s been unfaithful. After imagining how you should kill him, your second thought is…”how could I be so stupid?” Yes, yes it is don’t lie this is a comfortable and safe space. Every girl, as much as they don’t want to admit, starts to think of how stupid they have been and how could they not have known all this time. We knew the entire time we just second guessed ourselves. We decided to not pay attention to our bodies when they spoke to us but that doesn’t make us stupid. We did it for love. Wanting to be in love is natural for us women and it’s a beautiful thing, but be in love with yourself first. Next time your body is crying out to you make sure that you listen. Pay attention to your intuition it can save you time, tears, and one bad ass headache.